CD12~ Wake the F UP & get with it!!!!

So here it is CD 12 and I have not done shit concerning TTC. What. the. fuck. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me! All I can think about is TTC, bbbuuuuttttt have I done anything this cycle. Nope. Not at all. I am embarrased to admit this, but we have not even had sex this cycle!!! omg. How the fuck can you get pregnant with out sex, welllll, you can't. If I even want this cycle to have a chance we better start sexing it up. Not that sex on CD12 or before would actually get ME pregnant (I don't usually O until CD30 or after).Then the glass half empty part of myself says why even try because you know you won't get pregnant on your own. I just want to be wrong so bad and get pregnant but I feel like with 40-50 day cycles my chances are null. Then I tell myself I won't get pregnant because I am so fucking negative. Then I go back again and say nnnooooo because I was so positive and optimistic all those months and just so sure I would get prenant and look....nothing! Then I look at all the recent BFP's I have seen from other couple's that have been trying the same amount of time and it gives me hope. But then I disect thier situation and compare it to mine and convince myself that thier situation should not give me hope. <-----I know, I know, NOT HEALTHY!!! Whenever I talk to my husband, he gives me hope, for a glimmer of a second....I wish I could be as optimistic as him.
Ugh, I just continue to beat myself up mentally and emotionally with these thoughts and feelings.
Today I need....STRENGTH & most of all HOPE.