2012 Love it or hate it...

2012 started out great. F got a new job that was a great move in his career and a nice pay increase for us.

Then 2012 quickly got ugly with a very unfortunate incident in January. It caused a huge financial burden on us that we are still dealing with now. Not something I want to discuss here, sorry.

Fast forward to June. I got a new job (even though I wasn't looking). It was also a good move for us with better benefits and a nice pay increase.

Then shit got real fucking depressing as far as TTC goes.

Fast forward again to October. Surprisingly, we find out we are pregnant in October. I start thinking this is going to be the best year ever. Unfortunately, we don't end up with a viable pregnancy that will end in a take home baby.

Then my mom loses her job, Grandmother is in the hospital with stroke, congestive heart failure, Aunt on F's side is diagnosed with breast cancer, then a dear dear friend of the family (like my 2nd mom) is also diagnosed with breast cancer. Ugh!

I know we have a lot to be thankful for in 2012. But overall, I am not a fan of this past year.

So, here is hoping that 2013 turns out to be much better than 2012.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Edited: Apparently I can't get my months correct.

Mini Christmas Vacay

Tomorrow we leave for Wimberley, Texas.

I am very excited.

We are staying in these private cottages. I have been wanting to stay at these cottages for the past 3 years. I finally booked us a mini trip. One of my favorite parts is that this place is super animal friendly. They even give the pets a welcome basket. :) We are staying in the Red Cottage. I included some pictures below.

Front of cottage. So cute!

Living room



Private Jacuzzi! Whoot! 

As if I am not already excited enough about this trip. To add to the excitement we are picking up one of my Christmas presents on the way home! I am getting a puppy!!!! Beagle 2.0 is on the way! I already have a picture of him but I am saving his cuteness for a whole post of his own.

I.can.not.wait.

I hope Astro likes his new brother. Stay tuned for a new puppy post later this week. AHHH!!!! :)

Celebrate the season...

Hey everyone! :)

Let's share Christmas decorations!

I will start with the super adorable mini Christmas Tree my sweet Husband sent me to work. I died of the cute. It came with lil ornaments and lights! I added a ribbon bow as my tree topper. hehe. It is a European Cypress Tree in case you are wondering.

This year we decided to *gasp* get a FAKE tree. I had been shopping around seeing what I liked and comparing prices. F has been out of town the past few weeks. Of course while he was out of town I found the tree I wanted! I was trying to consult him before my purchase but was unable to get a hold of him. I made an executive decision and bought it. YAY. Not like he would have told me no. I just wanted him to see the picture I sent him before I made the purchase. I got it in the car and home out of the car all by my lonesome. Go me! I only say that because F acts like I can't do anything by myself. I know I am petite but I can still do stuff. :) I assembled the tree the next day while F was still out of town but I waited for him to return to start actually decorating it.

Finished product below. I love it.

You can't really see it in the picture below but check out my tree skirt. I made it last year. I will try to take a better picture of it and add it later. From pinterest of course. See the tutorial here -> Ruffled Tree Skirt

& the mantle...

This past weekend my BFF and I hosted an Ornament Party at my mom's house. It was so fun. We invited a small number of women and had a potluck ornament exchange party. We are thinking we want to make this an annual party.

All the food was A-MA-ZING! I made 3 dishes but the one I want to highlight is bite size apple pies. OMG, they were to die for & so easy! You should definitely try them out.

Here I am at the ornament party :)

Watching the scale climb...

Since our wedding in April 2011, I am the smallest I have ever been in my life. I lost the weight during wedding planning due to stress. It was a good thing though because it brought me down to the ideal weight for my height and build. Somehow, I have managed to maintain it. I have received so many compliments in this time. You look so great. This is the best you have ever looked. What is your secret? You're so tiny. I have felt great and confident about my body and look. This is the first time in my life where I didn't hate my body naked. I love shopping for new clothes and dressing nice. I feel great.

This is 100% true for me...

In the past month I have put on some weight. :( Not surprising since all we have been doing is eating out. No, seriously. I was not cooking at all. Horrible, horrible.

For me personally when I am overweight I tend to wear loose clothes. I don't have the desire to dress up, shop, or put effort into my look.

I weigh myself daily. I don't mind seeing the daily fluctuations, it does not bother me. Within the past 2 weeks I noticed there was not much of my usual fluctuation and more of a steady increase. EEEK! I have been trying to take in to consideration what my body has been going through, physically and mentally.

I am a shorty, only 5’0. So, I can totally notice when I put on a few pounds. I gain weight in my upper body because I am top heavy. I have been a DDD or E my entire life, until I lost that weight. Now my boobs are busting out of my bra. Gross, I know. I can see it in my sides, back and tummy. We went out this past weekend and my jeans were so uncomfortable and I had belly hanging over. That was it. Now I knew it was time to do something. Weight piles on so much faster than you are able to get it off. This little bit of weight is enough for me. I don’t want to be back where I was.

So, F and I have now joined My Fitness Pal and I love it. It is like an evil game that I love and hate at the same time. I started Monday and I am down 1.7 pounds. Now I just gotta keep the numbers going down. J I’m pumped!

Miscarraige Update- Through the wringer...

:::blows dust off keyboard:::

This post includes details of my miscarriage incase you want to stop reading now...

It finally happened, I am now on the other side. THANK GOODNESS!!

I wanted to briefly post on my experience in case I ever want to look back on how this went down andplusalso if it helps anyone else.

On 10/18 we found out that we most likely had a missed m/c, you can read about it here. On 10/23 we confirmed missed m/c, you can read that here.

As I said in my previous post above, we decided to wait it out and miscarry naturally. Well nothing happened. Fast forward to 11/12, the RE had us come in for an appt that day. We were told on 10/23 that if nothing happened by our appt on 11/12 that it would be time to discuss other options due to the risk of infection and other issues. Prior to the appt F and I had decided to try the pills to induce m/c. I wanted to avoid surgery if possible for various reasons.

We went on 11/13 at 8am to have the Cytotec pills inserted. I was told to not go to work due to cramping. So I went home and waited and waited and waited. Around 10am I began cramping but nothing too bad. I started to bleed but didn't pass anything. Nothing on Wednesday. I was told to call within 48 hours if I didn't think it worked and we could try the 2nd dose. Thursday we go in at 8am for the 2nd dose and this time I went back to work. BIG mistake, HUGE. I will spare you details but I was passing a lot and bleeding very heavily with much heavier cramps than Tuesday. I left work early to go back to the Dr. for them to check if I passed the sac. Nope, I hadn't but it had gotten much lower, I was dilated, and it seemed like my body would take care of this and the medicine was working. After I left the Dr. it was like everything stopped.

So, I had to return to the Dr. office on Friday 11/16 to confirm that it was still there and to schedule the D&C. Of course the sac was still there, so we scheduled the D&C for 11/20, the following Tuesday.

The whole weekend nothing happened besides some barely there spotting but no cramps, nothing really.

Fast forward again to Monday at 1am. I am woken up in the middle of the night to cramps but was able to go back to sleep. I wake up again around 4:30 am to excruciating cramping and heavy bleeding. I had the heating pad, could not sit still, and the cramps just kept getting worse. I then started vomiting and having the sweats. I was freaked the fuck out. I waited it out as long as I could and until the Dr.'s office opened at 8am. We were waiting for them to call us back and I told F I can't wait anymore, I am ready to go to the ER. The Dr. called us back on the way there and instructed us to do the same, head to the ER. At the ER they gave me Zofran and Morphine. I felt so much better. Anyways I eventually saw my Dr., turns out now my body was deciding to miscarry naturally. 

Dr. H told me that we are cancelling the D&C because at this point it could cause more harm than good. I was in disbelief because I was now at the point where I had accepted that my body failed me again and was prepared for surgery. The sac was still there but much lower. I stayed home Tuesday to rest and because I was still experiencing some unpleasant cramping. I was also afraid of this to happen at work. So, Tuesday I passed the sac. I wasn't sure how I would handle it because through all this cramping and bleeding I never got emotional. Well that went out the window when the most important part of this experience happened. All of the sudden I was extremely emotional that this was my baby. :( I broke down.

I will go back to the Dr. in 6 weeks or after my next cycle to confirm that my uterine cavity is healing properly.

I am thankful that this part is over. With that said if I ever have to go through this horrible experience again I don't think I will choose to wait or the pills. Trying to heal and grieve a situation while waiting for it to happen was the worst feeling.

Now to move on. I am still working on that.

Ok, so, this turned out to be quite long. Oops, sorry. Well, it is a looong story.

New yummy dinner recipe

Happy Hump Day!

I don't have much to write about lately. I mean... I have things on my mind but I don't want to write about it. :)

So, I have been trying some new recipes lately! Exciting!

I cooked this new recipe  --> Cilantro-Lime Chicken with Avocado Salsa yesterday! It was delish.

I made a few small changes. I marinated the chicken for a little bit longer, about 15-20 minutes and added some seasonings to the marinade. I also added extra lime juice to the salsa and a jalepeno for a lil spice.

Anywhoo, you should try it. It was quick, easy and yum!

I hope everyone is having a good week!

Liebster Blog Award

The lovely Lauren at Your Precious Love has nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award!

Here are the questions she gave me:

1. What is an interesting fact about yourself no one would know? I am going to go with being short, since no one on here knows me IRL. I am only 5'0 tall and wear a size 5 shoe, sometimes even a 4 1/2. Shoe shopping sucks sometimes.

2. What do you do in your spare time? I love love love to craft, shop, and read.

 

3. What one thing are you most proud of? I am most proud of my marriage and what we have accomplished as a couple.

 

4. If you had unlimited money for one week, how would you spend it? I would definitely go shopping. haha. I would probably spend a lot on my house! There is so much we want to do to it. Oh and book a vacation somewhere far, exotic, with beautiful beaches that I would never normally be ale to afford.

 

5. Where is your favorite vacation spot? I haven't traveled to a lot of vacations spots. :( I know, we need to travel!!! I will go with South Florida...pretty much anywhere with beautiful beaches.

 

6. What is the most daring thing you've ever done? Um, this is hard. I don't know that I've done too many daring things. I am boring, I guess. I will go with sex on a balcony of a hotel. ;) That was fun.

 

7. Who influences you the most? My husband, no doubt. He is the glass half full, to my empty.

 

8. What one thing confuses you the most about your husband? UGH. How he can be so comforting and be so right on at times and know exactly what to say to fix/comfort/help me at the time. Then other times I am like, huh, do you know me? haha --- Oh and his going back and forth of working on his bad habits (messy, lazy house habits) and then totally being like he is a college boy again. Drives. Me. Nuts.

 

9. What is your most favorite meal? This is hard, I love food. I would go with a good REAL Mexican meal.

 

10. What was the last law you broke? Probably speeding. :)

 

11. If you had to wear one color forever, what would it be? This will sound gothy and morbid...but black. I love black.

 

I am only going to do one because the other blogs I want to nominate have already been nominated. (I am not sure how all this works) Also, I only have 3 followers, so people I nominate won't know it. :(

I do want to mention my favorite blogs though.

Kristy @ Strength, Hope, and Everything Inbetween

Lauren @ Your Precious Love

Sabrina @ Free Aire

Cara @ I am the 15%

 

Now for my nomination:

 

Kelly- at Urban Times in Michigan

Here are your questions:

1. What is your favorite movie?
2. What is your pet peeve?
3. Which one country would you want relocate to if you had the opportunity?
4. What is your biggest fear?
5. What is your favorite time of year?
6. What do you miss most about being a kid?
7. What is the last movie you watched or book you read?
8. Favorite color?
9. If you friends had to describe you in one word what would it be?
10. Are you a morning or night person?
11. Silver or gold?

(Copy and paste the questions then answer them, nominate fellow bloggers with less than 200 followers 

make sure to save the photo above to use when you post about your award)

For three weeks...

If only for 3 weeks, I knew about you.

 

Finally, my baby, our baby...

 

Our lives had changed forever, I was pregnant with our first child. We were going to be a family of three.

 

We were so happy to have this beautiful little miracle growing inside of me. 

 

I pictured what you would look like. If you would be a boy or a girl. What our life would be like as a family of three.  

 

It may have only been three weeks that I knew about you, but you were going to bring so much more happiness and joy to our lives in June 2013.

 

 

 

Now I find myself angry and sad and without hope. More angry than sad. It seems like anytime I am in the car alone, listening to music...I cry. No matter what type of music...I cry.

 

Ridiculous, I know.

 

The other side. I am angry. At life. I know, life isn't fair. I find myself getting angry and annoyed at the smallest and dumbest things. I know that is my way of not being sad, but it isn't right.

 

I just want to go somewhere and scream as loud as I can. Will that make me feel better? Maybe for a minute.

 

I don't want to talk about it...hearing the words over and over out loud. That makes me really sad and of course cry. Writing about it is so much easier.

 

Everyone (my parents & in-laws) are so hopeful now. Not me. "Oh, you got pregnant. That is great. It will happen again in no time."---"Now that you have been pregnant, you will get pregnant as soon as you try again."---I don't have that hope. I don't see the silver lining. 8 cycles in 12 months, and then getting a lucky BFP and not having a viable pregnancy just makes me feel defeated.

 

As of now, I am trying to wait patiently to miscarry our baby. When will that be? Will I be at work? Will I be at home on the weekend? Will I be sleeping and get woken up by cramps? Will I know it is starting? Who knows? Not me.

 

I will try to make this my last post about our loss. I get it, it's depressing. No one wants to read about this over and over. I can't make any promises though because this is my outlet for my feelings and thoughts that I can't share anywhere else.

A beautiful email from my loving Mom...

My mom sent me this last night, it is beautiful and definitely brought tears to my eyes.

I am so very thankful for her. <3

A Birth Healing Blessing
My beautiful one
with broken wings.
Your journey is a difficult one
that no mother should have to endure.
Your path is steep, rocky and slippery
and your tender heart is in need of gentle healing.

Breathe deeply and know that you are loved.
You are not alone,
though at times, you will feel like a
desolate island of grief
untouchable
distant.
Close your eyes.
Seek the wisdom of women who have walked this well-worn path before you,
before,
and before,
and before you yourself were born.
These beautiful ones
with eyes like yours
have shared your pain, and
weathered the storms of loss.

You are not alone (breathe in)
You will go on (breathe out)
Your wings will mend (breathe in)
You are loved (breathe out)

~ Mary Burgess

Missed Miscarraige

My appoinment today confirmed missed miscarraige. "Baby" measured at 5w0d now, of course no heartbeat. I am waiting to miscarry naturally. I have a follow-up appointment on 11/12 to see where to go from here and how I am doing. The RE said we should come up with a game plan considering I only had 8 cycles in 12 months, and then to conceive and miscarry is concerning. I have a ton of thoughts running through my head. A lot to discuss with F, but I don't want to do that right now. And to make matters worse it was F's birthday yesterday. I don't want him to remember this birthday this way. I am just worried because of some of the things he said today about not wanting help since we did get pregnant on our own. Whatever. I still have to pass this baby before we can even begin discussing where to go from here.

However, I am proud of myself for not really crying today. I did, but just barely. And I am back at work being normal.

I have no words

No heartbeat. Last week I measured 6w0d this week I measured 6w2d. RE came in to confirm on the ultrasound that there has not been enough growth in 7 days. I go back Tuesday to confirm that there is still no heartbeat and no growth. The RE said it does not look like a viable pregnancy. Tuesday we will also discuss options, d&c, miscarry naturally, or pill induced miscarriage.

My heart is broken.

*WARNING- DARK POST* Thoughts of a crazy woman...

This is going to be a dark post. I am not in a good place.

I can't get it out of my head. This is the only place I can share these thoughts.

I fully expect to get bad news on Thursday at my appt. I have this feeling that this whole situation has been handeled wrong from the beginning.

Here goes nothing...

Since my last two appointments have been less than ideal, I have come to these conclusions.

I only had two chances to get pregnant this month based on OPKs and the dates we had sex.

Scenario 1- I had what I would consider an almost positive OPK on September 7th. We had sex.

Scenario 2- I had 3 days of blaring positive OPK's on September 19th, 20th, and 21st. I didn't continue testing to see it fade out because I was out of OPK's. We had sex all three days.

There are 12 days between these two.

Scenario 1- I believe that I got a positive OPK 9/07, had sex, and conceived. I kept testing with OPK's thinking that was not a true positive and got blaring positives 12 days later 09/19. I believe that was the OPK giving me a positive result because I was in fact pregnant, not ovulating. Which would explain why I had 3 days of +'s. I wonder now if I would have continued testing what would have happened. But, I will never know. So, 12 days after that I test with an HPT 10/01 and get BLARING positives. On 10/02, I go to the doctor have a blood draw and am told I am at least 5-6 weeks pregnant, based on the high level of HCG (not 4 like I originally thought based on 3 days of blaring +'s). Have an ultrasound 10/04, and see the gestational sac. Ultrasound on October 11th showed growth, but no heartbeat. Based on scenario 1, I would have been 6w5d pregnant and should have seen a heartbeat. At least that is what I have found through all my research. So in this scenario I will be 7w5d pregnant at this Thursday's ultrasound. Which means I should definitely see a heartbeat, *if* this pregnancy is progressing.

Scenario 1 makes more sense to me now because of how dark my HPT's were and how high my beta results were. Because if scenario 1 is true I would have been 24dpo. I have never seen HPT's that dark at 12dpo. Also makes sense why the "baby" was measuring at 6weeks at last Thursday's appt on 10/11.

Scenario 2- I had 3 blaring positive opk's and had sex all 3 days. --- I don't feel like I really need to explain scenario 2 because this is what I have believed until Today.

Either way I don't think Thursday's appointment will be good. I don't have any positive feeling about it. I am afraid to even publish this post but this is what is in my head. I hope to be wrong but I believe otherwise. I wish I could stop this thinking but obviously I cant.

Weekend

Good Morning.

Weekend Recap: I ate a lot. We went to the Texas Renaissance Festival with my parents on Saturday, we had a great time. Sunday was not a good day for me, I was just having a very emotional day. Ugh, and the rainy weather didn't help.

My sleep sucked last night so I am hoping to not fall asleep at my desk today. :)

Hope everyone has a good day.

2nd U/S- Didn't go well...

                                                       

I had my 2nd u/s today. I expected to feel more at ease after this one. WRONG. These people are really fucking freaking me out. Fuck.

Last week she told me I was 7 weeks based on LMP. Well I knew that was wrong because of my long ass cycles, opk's, and what I know from monitoring my cycles for the last year! Well of course when she did the u/s, she was like well you look 4-5 weeks. Yea, based on opk's that is what I thought- 4weeks. Last week she also said "if it isn't bigger next week, then we should be worried."

So here I am this week thinking I am 5 weeks now. We do the ultrasound. The first lady doing it was in training. That is not a good idea for my over analyzing worrier self. That B couldn't find anything!!! I started panicking! WTF. So then the other lady said "let me do it". Thank goodness! Ok so we see it. She says "well you are measuring at 6 weeks, but we don't see a heartbeat". My heart drops. What?! No! I said "you are freaking me out". Then she goes on to tell me that they are used to knowing exactly how far along the women they treat are. I get that. I told her that based on my positive ovulation test, that I am about 5 weeks. She said she was going to go talk to the Dr. and let me know what he says. She comes back and says that "we need to focus on the fact that it grew and to come back next week and if we don't see a heartbeat, THEN it is time to be worried." Too late for that, I cried as soon as we got in the car and started googling. 

I just feel like I am in limbo. I don't know what to think. I just keeping telling myself that I am doing all I can for this baby to grow and be healthy. Everything else is out of my control. 

CD 51~ Eventful Weekend

Let's back up to Thursday...

We had to go tell my parent's because of course I told my mom on Monday when I found out. My mom and I are veryclose. My mom was bursting at the seams with this huge secret. Poor thing. She is so so excited. I love it. Anyway, I would have rather planned it out more and not been so rushed, but, oh well. I got my parents a Grandparents-to be card and put the ultrasound picture in it and for my sister we wrapped up a onesie that said "World's Coolest Auntie". We made my dad and sister open them at the same time so one wouldn't know before the other. As soon as my sister realized my mom didn't have a gift, she was pissed. haha. She knew then that mom already knew. My mom cried some more! My dad didn't which surprised me. My sister was so excited!

Friday night I did a painting class with my BFF A. It was her first time and she loved it.

Saturday was the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure walk that we do every year. It was fun as always and little bit HOT this year. ugh. Yay for Momma, The Survivor!

Sunday, we visited F's parents house to make our announcement. We had a frame for his parents that fits ultrasound pictures that said "Baby-to-be". His mom opened it and immediately started crying and jumping up and down. :) She told us she had a dream this past week that I was pregnant. haha.

That pretty much sums up our weekend! Oh, and I took my last HPT today. Lol, I know, I'm cray. I can't help it! 

Little Bean

The ultrasound went well. I have a little bean in my uterus. That is great news. So now they think I am less than 6 weeks but not sure. They thought I would be 6 weeks based on HCG level, but by what we saw today, now we think 4 weeks. The tech said everything looks great. I go back next Thursday for another ultrasound to make sure it is growing and we should be able to see more then.

Here is the picture we got today.

I am having a hard time relaxing and just being happy about the pregnancy. This is scary shit. I am so afraid to lose it. I have to stop this. My husband is getting frustrated with me because I am stressing so much. I don't blame him.

We are going to my parent's house tonight to "announce" to them and Sunday his parent's house. I know it is early, but I will need the support of our families during this time. I am hoping that announcing and see others excitement will help put me at ease and just let myself enjoy this beautiful time.

HCG Level is...*Updated*

3,913. I am so confused. Waiting for the nurse to call me for more information.

Nurse called back with my progeterone. 29.

All great numbers. I am so happy. I can't even begin to explain.

Ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow!!!!!!

Port A Getaway

I planned on doing this post Monday but with all the excitement I have been side tracked to say the least.

Anywhoo, F planned a one night getaway for us in Port Aransas. I didn't make it to the beach all summer and I have been complaining to him about it. So, he planned us a little trip. I had never been to Port Aransas but always heard how pretty their beaches were compared to ours.

So we headed out early Saturday morning. The weather was not the greatest. Bad luck. Even with the shitty weather we had a great time and I am so glad he surprised me with this little trip. Love him.

Me on the beach. :) The wind was killer.

Saturday Afternoon

Cloudy! Sunday Morning.

On the way to Port A we saw a wind farm. It is not like I have not seem them before but I was amazed anyway to see them thisclose. LOL

On the way home we took another route that went down a road where these things were literally right there. So, in my amazement I took photos. They were so cool. Look how small the power lines look. I know, I'm a nerd.

CD44~ Is this REAL LIFE?????????

I don't think it is. I have been googling false positives all morning. HELP ME!!!

I can't stop shaking. I don't believe this is real. I don't want to get excited.

FMU

SMU

CD 40~ Call Back

I did end up getting a call back from the nurse at my OB's office yesterday evening at 5:50pm.

My questions in the voicemail were as follows:
Will I have an ultrasound prior to taking the clomid? When should I schedule that? How will we know if I am responding to the med or over responding? ---- My message was longer than that and more explanatory than this but you get the point.

This is how our conversation went...
Nurse: "Hi. Sorry for calling you back so late. I have the answers to your questions."
Me: "ok, great"
Nurse: "You will come in for an ultrasound to check for cysts after you take the Clomid."
Me: "I thought the Dr. said something about coming in for an ultrasound before starting the Clomid?"
Nurse: "Yes, you will come in after you take the medicine for ultrasound."
ooookkkkkayyyyyyy. I didn't feel the need to argue with her. My decision was already made. She is just now confirming 100% that I made the right decision.
Me: "ok"
Nurse: "We will check how you are responding with a CD 21 blood draw. That will tell us for sure that you ovulated and that is how we know if you responded or not."
Me: "Ok. Thanks."
Nurse: "If you have any more questions feel free to call back."

No thanks.

If I am 100% honest with myself. I have not liked this Doctor or her staff since my first visit. I have been trying to over look it because she was recommended to me by my GP that I love.

I always wait for a really long time, which is fine, but once I see the Dr. I am rushed in and out. She cuts me off while I am trying to talk or ask questions. And when she cuts me off it has nothing to do with what I am currently saying or asking. She has horrible reviews online.

I also forgot to mention when I went to my appt Tuesday the nurse argued with me that my period was late. She told me we need to take a pregnancy test. She came up with this information based on when my last period was. "Your period is late. You have not had one in 30 days." Why not ask me how long my cycles normally are before telling me my period is late. I was so annoyed that when she took my BP it was really high. They made her retake my BP after I met with the Dr.

I need a new OB. I guess I need to start asking around.

I realized last night that I made my decision way before even giving the Nurse a chance to call me back. I need to be an advocate for my own health.

Special shout out:  Thank you so much to Sabrina and Laylarue for all the support!!! It means so much!!

Decision Made

I decided that today I would leave a message for the nurse at my OB's office regarding concerns about monitoring on Clomid. I was going to make my decision of OB vs. RE based on the answers I got. After that I called the RE office to inquire about their next opening to see if there was a wait list. There wasn't. I went ahead and scheduled an infertility consultation. I scheduled it with intentions of hearing back from my OB office today and from there either cancelling with her or with RE.

I called and left a message for my OB's nurse before 9am. They open at 8am.

I don't know about you but in my past experience with doctors and nurses when I leave a message that early in the day I always receive a response the same day.

Fast forward to this afternoon...

So, here it is after 4 and I have not heard back from the OB's office.

Decision made. We are going to the RE.

Since I already called and made an appt with the RE, they have already emailed the 11 pages of information for me to fill out prior to my appt. The lady that made my appt was very sweet and didn't rush me at all to get off the phone. I felt so comfortable and at ease asking all my questions. Hoping this is a good sign. :) I am also excited that I am still able to use my physician's referral for a free initial consultation. Which would normally cost $200.

My appointment will be Tuesday October 2nd at 3pm!!!!! eeek!!!

So now foreal foreal, shit just got real. Up we go from here!

I had to post this picture. It made me LOL.

CD 39~ Infertile Turtle

The Dr. Appt:

I am aware that sometimes my OB has long waits but I thought this was ridic, so I will share. Also, I was proud of myself for not being a total angry bitch after waiting so long.

First, my appt was at 2:45pm. I was taken into the exam room at 3:30pm. I sat naked for 45 mins before I ever saw the Dr. So, luckily I didn't plan on going back to work after the appt. Geez.

Remember I have already had an HSG and my H an SA. Everything came back wonderful and normal. Fast forward to now. She says it has been a year and it is time to be aggressive. According to her with everything coming back normal and my long irregular cycles she believes it is an ovulation issue. Her two options were doing Clomid with her or moving on to the RE upstairs. I asked her what all goes into the Clomid and how it works. She told me I would have an ultrasound before starting Clomid to make sure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries, then I would take Clomid cycle days 5-9 and come in for a 7DPO blood draw. Then if I were to get pregnant that I would come in immediately for an ultrasound to make sure it was not an ectopic or tubal pregnancy. At that moment I told her that I would like to try a round of Clomid with her and if that is unsuccessful I would like to move on to the RE.

I am overwhelmed to say the least. I am aware of all the extreme side effects (she brought them up too).

After I left the appt, talked to F, my mom and googled and over analyzed all night......
Now I am not feeling so sure about what to do. Ultimately it is our decision and no one can tell us what we should do. I just feel like shit just got real. I knew I would feel this way once it was time for treatment.

Half of me says just go with the flow one more cycle and if it doesn't work go to the RE the other half of me says fuck it go to the RE now.

Decisions decisions. Today I need to decide if I will do this Clomid with her or go ahead and schedule an appt with the RE.

I have a lot of other things on my mind that I would like to share regarding being a woman having trouble trying to conceive. Hopefully I will find time to post on that soon.

I also have wondered for sometime, when do I consider myself in the "trouble trying to conceive" group. I know now, that we are there. We are having trouble. I have been afraid to *think* I am in the TTTC and then be told that I am not, by women on TB. <----That last sentence makes me sounds really stupid.

Updated to add: In case anyone is curious on costs. Walgreens already filled my RX and it will be $116 for the Clomid.

CD 37~ Back to the grind...

The weekend was really nice. I had a GREAT time.

Confession: I have so many pictures I would love to share on my blog buuuuuutttt, I am too chicken. I am so afraid of someone in real life finding my blog and reading it. For that reason I am very hesitant to post pictures of myself or F. I took a big risk in posting my mother's breast cancer site and I have posted one pic of F and I that was pretty small. It freaks me out.

With that being said I have quite a few pics that I wish I had the guts to post here.

We had a great time decorating our shirts for the walk. And loved seeing my Aunt's new house. I loved the layout way better than her previous. The birthday party theme was so cute. It was like cowboy/sheriff theme. I took plenty of pictures with the horses and my sheriff hat, of course. My close friend Angie went with us to the party. She loved my Aunt's house, the property, and the horses. She is already begging to go back. It is so nice and relaxing out there.

Beamer the horse :)

Yesterday we went to see our friends new house. We loved it. So happy for him! Also my lil sissy came by for a little bit in the evening. We went to dinner. I always love seeing her.

OMG I typed a bunch and then forgot to save. Ugh! Lets try again.....

Update on the wedding: I have officially backed out. After speaking with my husband (which I should have done in the first place) we have decided that this was not a good time for us personally and financially. The facts are that for us, our focus right now is getting pregnant and having a baby. That may sound selfish to some people but it is our choice. I feel like a horrible person for backing out. The expenses were already becoming ridiculous to me, and this is just the beginning. Our wedding was a DIY wedding on a budget (because of my mother's health and medical bills). By budget I mean as cheap as possible. There is not anything wrong with a big expensive wedding. Not at all. That is just not how we are choosing to spend our money right now. This may sound bad too, but I just recently became close with this girl. (She was not even invited to my wedding) It is not like I am backing out of best friend or sister's wedding. That would be a completely different story. Anyway, I was completely open and honest with her and I told her ASAP. She said she was not mad and that this would not affect our friendship in a negative way. I hope it doesn't. Most importantly I handeled the situation poorly from the beginning and that is my fault, completely.

Moving on.

Update on TTC: I had the positive again on Friday and that was my last wondfo. So no more testing for me. haha. Sexed it up all weekend to be safe. :)

CD34~ First Time Ever!

3rd day of positive OPK's! And the past two days I have had EWCM! Today I have had a TON! I have NEVER EVER had EWCM.

Please please please let this be a good sign!!!

CD 34~ Freakin' Weekend!

Hola!!!! It's FRRIIIIIDDAAAAAYYYYY!! Cheers to that!

We have a busy weekend ahead of us. Tonight we will be going to my BIL's house to celebrate my niece's b-day. Then tomorrow I am headed to my Aunt's house so we can decorate our shirts for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure walk on October 6th! That should be fun. We do the walk every year since 2009. That was the year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. You can read her story here. After that we will be headed out to the country to my other Aunt's house for a birthday party. My counsin's lil boy is turning 1. I love going out to her house, they live on about 14 acres and they have horses too! :) I am about 99.99% positive they will be doing rides for the children. I think I am gonna jump on too! It has been forever since I went on a horsey ride! haha. Then Sunday our good friend will be taking us to see the home he is in the process of purchasing. We are so happy for him!

Side note: I come from a very large family on my mom's side. My grandmother gave birth to 12 kids, 8 girls, 4 boys! So you will hear about a lot of Aunt's, Uncles, and cousins.

I hope you have a great weekend!!

CD33~ POSITIVE!!

Blaring POSITIVE! :)

Woohoo!

CD32~ Positive?

Today I made my appt with my OB for my annual....

One step closer.

And today CD32

CD30~

Nothing much going on here....
Just another Monday at work. I do accounting/billing and we have not been able to run invoices all day. Remind me...Why am I here?? Exactly, a useless day.

Cycle update-- I thought I got a positive OPK on Friday September 7th (which is early for me). I say thought because Wondfo's are tricky and I usually confirm with CBE digi. You would think by cycle 8, month 12 that I would have this down. Nope, not me. I think it really just makes me feel better to see that :) on the digi OPK.
Now I am doubting that it was even a positive for 2 reasons. 1. I have never had a + opk that early. 2. If that was a +, then I should have gotten my period by now, due to my short LP. I have continued to OPK test since then and they have all been way -. So, I don't really know what the F is really going on this cycle.

BIG NEWS: This week my insurance takes effect.--Off I run to schedule an appt with my OB & then :::drum roll::: an appt with an RE.

Other exciting news--We are 100% OOP with IF coverage. Best news ever. (sarcasm font) Also, I need to look into secondary coverage.

Oh and I recently said "yes" to being a bridesmaid in a wedding and I am really regretting it now. For financial reasons of course. We are about to begin our journey in finding out how we can conceive a baby. And my guess is that it might be an expensive journey. I don't know what to do.

CD19-20 The Bottom...

We can only go up from here.
Last Thursday and Friday, I hit bottom. We hit bottom. Those two days were the worst we have ever felt since starting to try to have a baby. It. was. awful. I have never seen him so upset-About getting pregnant-About him seeing me hurt each cycle that results in a BFN. Just hearing how much he thinks about it everyday. It. broke. my. heart. It was awful to hear but at the same time, I am so very grateful that he let me hear those things. It makes me feel not so alone in my feelings and it brought us closer.
I cried.
He cried.
We cried.
Ugh, just thinking about it makes me start to tear up.

I really really need to work on myself.
I don't know where to start.
I need to accept the things I cannot control. I have so many irrational fears racing through my mind daily. I try not to let myself go there, but it seems impossible, like out of my control. The longer it takes to get pregnant, the less I think my fears are irrational.
I don't go a day without longing to be pregnant. To be a mother.

The main thing I am going to try to stop doing....is looking so far ahead. I need to live in the now.

So, with that, I will wait for my insurance to take effect. As soon as that happens I will make an appt with my OB for my annual and see what she says and where I should go from here.

Until then? I am making it my priority to let go and just do what I can to improve our chances.
STOP OBSESSING & STRESSING.

I am not a very religious person, but I have always loved the Serenity Prayer.

CD17~ Hey Month 12, How are you?

So, yea, it is September. Hello, month 12. Now we are in Cycle 8/Month 12 of our TTC journey. :( ----How the hell is it already September! Geez slow down time!

Yea back to work today after a long uneventful Labor Day Weekend. --& traffic was a bitch today! Ugh!

F and I laid low this weekend. Friday night we did our usual and went out to dinner then came back home and relaxed together. Saturday we went out shopping and running errands. We got a new quilt for our new king size bed and some new pillows. We have not gotten new pillows in a pretty long time. We had been using the tempurpedic pillows but I was wanting something different. We will see how they work out. Saturday night we went out to the bar with some friends and had some drinks and watched football. Monday we had a nice little picnic at a nearby park. Just F, Astro and I. It was nice and HOT HOT HOT. I was over it in about 20 mins. HAHA.

In other news I should be getting my 90 day benefit package here at work soon. Which means I should have insurance sooner than later and I will be able to book an appt with my OBGYN for my yearly. Today I plan to start full force with my OPK's for this cycle. Better late than never. ;)

F left town today and wont be back until Friday. I will be a lonely wife this week.

CD13~It's Friday Bishhh

Today I am having a better day than yesterday. I did my 1st opk this cycle last night. :::pats self on the back::: Waaayyy negative of course. BUT, at least I started. LOL.

Yay for Friday and a long weekend ahead!! We don't really have any major plans for Labor Day weekend. One of the hubs college friends may come down for a day visit. That will be nice, since we don't get to see him much. Other than that I am just looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend with my honey, family, and friends. Happy Labor Day Weekend!!

CD12~ Wake the F UP & get with it!!!!

So here it is CD 12 and I have not done shit concerning TTC. What. the. fuck. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me! All I can think about is TTC, bbbuuuuttttt have I done anything this cycle. Nope. Not at all. I am embarrased to admit this, but we have not even had sex this cycle!!! omg. How the fuck can you get pregnant with out sex, welllll, you can't. If I even want this cycle to have a chance we better start sexing it up. Not that sex on CD12 or before would actually get ME pregnant (I don't usually O until CD30 or after).Then the glass half empty part of myself says why even try because you know you won't get pregnant on your own. I just want to be wrong so bad and get pregnant but I feel like with 40-50 day cycles my chances are null. Then I tell myself I won't get pregnant because I am so fucking negative. Then I go back again and say nnnooooo because I was so positive and optimistic all those months and just so sure I would get prenant and look....nothing! Then I look at all the recent BFP's I have seen from other couple's that have been trying the same amount of time and it gives me hope. But then I disect thier situation and compare it to mine and convince myself that thier situation should not give me hope. <-----I know, I know, NOT HEALTHY!!! Whenever I talk to my husband, he gives me hope, for a glimmer of a second....I wish I could be as optimistic as him.
Ugh, I just continue to beat myself up mentally and emotionally with these thoughts and feelings.
Today I need....STRENGTH & most of all HOPE.

CD9~ Case of the Monday's

My little Sissy's birthday weekend was interesting to say the least. We had a family dinner on Friday night followed by the Hookah Bar with her friends (mom & I were there as chaperones), then on to La Bare (male strip-club). This was all planned by my sister and her good friend. Everything seemed to be going well until the strip club. Let's just say they aren't for everyone and my sister is one most definitely one of those people. She didn't enjoy it. at. all. :( So we left and ended our night with some good Mexican food. As mentioned in my last post, the next day we went and got her first tattoo. That was fun! As usual, I now can't wait to get my next tattoo. I pretty much hung out with my mom and sister all weekend! Today the little sister started her last first day of high school as a Senior. waaaaaah. loca.

Also my hubby went to visit his parents yesterday. When he came back he was acting a little strange, I could tell something was up. So, then he is like "So, I talk to my mom today about the baby thing", me "ookkkayyy", him "I just really needed to". Ok, I understand. I just wish he would be more honest and forthcoming with me when talking about the baby situation, or lack there of. I mean we talk about the baby situation often but it is mostly about MY feelings, not his. I try to get him to open up but he just doesn't. Anyways, the point is, us NOT getting pregnant is really starting to affect him as well. He is having a hard time watching me break over and over each month. He wants so so badly for us to get pregnant naturally. I do too! I think it is good that he talked to his mom, for him. Some of the things she says really bother me, but I just keep reminding myself that we are very different people and from different cultures. She does not want me to go to the doctor and start testing, that I just need to wait; She thinks that I am being too scientific; That we need to have sex when I am ovulating and "wet" down there. I can only imagine how uncomfortable of a conversation this was for my husband. The real dagger is that he feels guilt for not wanting me to stop birth control pills back when we got married and now seeing that all this is not happening so quickly he feels like it is his fault. I don't want him to feel that way. We didn't know it would take this long. How could we. He is afraid of being a science experiment for a Dr. if we can't get pregnant on our own. She told him that he should not feel that way at all. That it is not a science experiment. Thank you, MIL! HEaring all his fear and concerns really hurts my heart. ----Either way, he needed to talk out somethings, and I am glad he did.

I apologize for the rambling post. Too many thoughts today. Ugh.

CD 6~ Spotting

I wish my period would decide to end or not. I HATE spotting. So. Annoying. How can there be nothing for over 12 hours, then all of the sudden spotting. WTF. Usually, by CD6 I am completely down with this shit. Oh well. I am trying to decide if I will go back to temping this cycle since I went on a temping break last cycle. Still not sure,  but I will definitely be using OPK's and sexing it up as much as we can. Please be lucky cycle 8! I really really really don't want to have to visit an RE. Fingers crossed. Well everything crossed, really!

SO, my lil sissy turns 18 today. Oh. my. gosh. I feel ancient! I am excited for her, BUT there has been so much family drama with her lately, I wouldn't even know where to start. I am just hoping she can get her act together soon. For her present we are getting sister tattoos.... mine will say "To infinity" and hers will say "And beyond". I can't wait!

CD2~Cycle 8~ Month 11: Here We Stand

So, finally, here it is, my first post..... LONG overdue. I think I created this blog in March of 2012 & here I am barely starting it.

I created this blog to have a place to vent about our TTC journey. I have been too afraid to start it, I am not sure why. (the blog that is)

My husband & I have been TTC our first child since October 2011. We are currently on the 8th cycle in 11 months. Yea, long cycles fucking suck a big one. I stopped taking BCP at the end of September 2011. I never thought this would be easy for me. I am not sure why, but I have always had this feeling that I would not just get pregnant & have a baby. Easy. My husband on the other hand thought as soon as I stopped BCP. BAM, pregnant, baby. I wish, honey, I wish. I know it can take up to a year for your cycle to regulate after BCP. AND, I was on it for 14 years, BUT plenty of women stop BCP & fall pregnant almost instantly. Not us. My cycles have been wacky ranging from 72days to 34days to 50days to 45days. I have tried tracking my BBT, cervical mucus, ovulation prediction kits, just going with the flow, sex everyday, sex every other day, aaaaaannnndddd nothing, zero, zilch, nada. The list goes on.

Here I am on day two of cycle 8 in 11 months. :(

My OB referred me to an RE back in April but I was not ready then. I have also had and HSG & my husband a semen analysis, all in April as well. My HSG was perfect & my hubby has super sperm. Whew.<---All per my OB's orders, she wanted to rule those things out early on--since we were not getting pregnant. I am currently waiting for my insurance at my new job to kick in so I can make an appt with my OB for my yearly & hopefully make an appt with an RE. I so ready to find out what is wrong with ME that is keeping us from making our sweet lil baby. 

CD 1 was very rough for me this time. I am sure because this cycle will mostly likely end in month 12. I even bought a pack of cigarettes. (I quit smoking in 2009) My sweet hubby didn't dare make a face or ask a question, he just hugged me. Even though I willingly offered an explanation for my horrible choice of a purchase.

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt