*WARNING- DARK POST* Thoughts of a crazy woman...

This is going to be a dark post. I am not in a good place.

I can't get it out of my head. This is the only place I can share these thoughts.

I fully expect to get bad news on Thursday at my appt. I have this feeling that this whole situation has been handeled wrong from the beginning.

Here goes nothing...

Since my last two appointments have been less than ideal, I have come to these conclusions.

I only had two chances to get pregnant this month based on OPKs and the dates we had sex.

Scenario 1- I had what I would consider an almost positive OPK on September 7th. We had sex.

Scenario 2- I had 3 days of blaring positive OPK's on September 19th, 20th, and 21st. I didn't continue testing to see it fade out because I was out of OPK's. We had sex all three days.

There are 12 days between these two.

Scenario 1- I believe that I got a positive OPK 9/07, had sex, and conceived. I kept testing with OPK's thinking that was not a true positive and got blaring positives 12 days later 09/19. I believe that was the OPK giving me a positive result because I was in fact pregnant, not ovulating. Which would explain why I had 3 days of +'s. I wonder now if I would have continued testing what would have happened. But, I will never know. So, 12 days after that I test with an HPT 10/01 and get BLARING positives. On 10/02, I go to the doctor have a blood draw and am told I am at least 5-6 weeks pregnant, based on the high level of HCG (not 4 like I originally thought based on 3 days of blaring +'s). Have an ultrasound 10/04, and see the gestational sac. Ultrasound on October 11th showed growth, but no heartbeat. Based on scenario 1, I would have been 6w5d pregnant and should have seen a heartbeat. At least that is what I have found through all my research. So in this scenario I will be 7w5d pregnant at this Thursday's ultrasound. Which means I should definitely see a heartbeat, *if* this pregnancy is progressing.

Scenario 1 makes more sense to me now because of how dark my HPT's were and how high my beta results were. Because if scenario 1 is true I would have been 24dpo. I have never seen HPT's that dark at 12dpo. Also makes sense why the "baby" was measuring at 6weeks at last Thursday's appt on 10/11.

Scenario 2- I had 3 blaring positive opk's and had sex all 3 days. --- I don't feel like I really need to explain scenario 2 because this is what I have believed until Today.

Either way I don't think Thursday's appointment will be good. I don't have any positive feeling about it. I am afraid to even publish this post but this is what is in my head. I hope to be wrong but I believe otherwise. I wish I could stop this thinking but obviously I cant.